“Make no treaties with them or their gods. They must not live in your land, or they will cause you to sin against me. If you serve their gods, you will be caught in the trap of idolatry.” -Exodus 23:32-33 (NLT)

It happened again. I went there. That binge. That fall. That rebellion. That thing I do that I know is sin but I can’t seem to stop. Ever been here? The guilt. The pain. The shame. Addiction is insidious. 

The Lord gave Moses a standard of living for his people. He expected them to uphold guidelines that would ensure their good and inform their proper worship. God’s people didn’t listen. Have you read the Old Testament and wanted to shout at the people, “get it together!!!” Or watched the downward pattern in Judges and cried out, “oh my gosh, when are you guys gonna learn!?” We think of moments like Abraham lying about Sarah, Noah’s drunkenness, the golden calf and somewhere in our hearts is the idea that we would never do that. What were they thinking?! We sometimes judge the people of the Old Testament for not knowing better. Yet the New Testament players, although they had Jesus, were still caught in the cycle of sin and deception. Consider Ananias and Sapphira, and the sad betrayal of Jesus from his own disciple and dare I say, friend, Judas. 

It’s easy to judge sin. Even in our own relationships. Think of your last argument. 

Why don’t you get it? How do you not understand? You’re not listening to me! 

We judge others because their sin is different than ours. I’ve often read scripture and found myself sitting in the seat of a judge or a mocker condemning people for their sin which is most likely the exact thing I would do in that situation too. 

I’ve been enjoying the Old Testament for a couple months now and I can’t help but judge Abraham for lying about Sarah. What kind of leadership was that? Why couldn’t he just be honest? What’s wrong with him? Yet, the reality of being murdered because of your wife’s beauty speaks a whole lot to the wicked culture and environment he was in. We don’t really know the amount of danger he was facing. The truth is, lack of emotional safety or the threat of danger can cause us to do or tolerate wild things. 

It makes me wonder about my own life. What are areas of my heart that have led me to fear because of the threat of danger? As a child of abuse, somewhere in my little heart I did exactly what the Lord commanded the people not to do. For fear of being hurt again, I made a treaty with myself that I would never let myself be vulnerable again. Unbeknownst to me, I amassed for myself the armor of my wounded soul and it became a literal 500lb weight of protection. “People will never hurt me again. No one can get to me! I will become big and scary and protected.” I made a treaty. Seemingly, with myself. 

Upon closer inspection, however, it was a treaty with “their” gods. The god of the world that tells me I must be self-sufficient. I must be my own protector, provider, healer, and redeemer. The god of the world that tells me what the standard of beauty is and isn’t. The god of this broken world that has given me idolatrous instructions about “safety” and self-worth. The god that has taught me self-condemnation, self-elevation, self-importance, self-preservation, and self-mutilation, quite literally. In short, I made a treaty that I would hate and harm me and it led to my worship of self, the me, me, me mentality that kept me worshiping at the bitter alter of self-pity and addiction. The Lord knew then what He was warning the people of! And still, we haven’t learned. Still, I don’t seem to get it.

Exactly what the Lord warned of, is what my own disordered worship with food resulted in. Idolatry. 

The treaty I co-signed was the treaty that vowed to hate every part of my being. Every nook and cranny of my mind, spirit and body have been affected by my self-obsession. My self-hatred and self-sufficiency. When I was in my addiction to food, I surrendered every part of me to that master. I was a slave to the perfect meal. It had to be precisely what I thought would satisfy the internal hunger. It had to be the right restaurant, the best order, the revered and guarded last bite, the best dessert, followed by the flawless critique of the experience which later was reduced to acid reflux, stomach upset, guilt, shame, and you guessed it, vomit, so I could obsess over the meal a second time. 

The binging cycle left me emptier than when the hunger started. The restricting cycle looked similar in obsession, but different in execution. The starvation was silent, internal. No choices. Just, actions. Restrict. Do not touch. Do not think about it. Followed by non stop thinking about it. This master was relentless. 

But, God. 

Jesus knew. He knew the treaty I signed with myself, a vow to self-protect, no matter the cost. To others, to my body, my mind, my heart (quite literally). He knew. He saw me. He knew the depths of my devotion to my own self-made safety. A counterfeit safety than never managed to keep me safe.

Friends, I wonder what treaty you have signed? I’ve said it time and again. Fat is the armor of the wounded soul. My treaty resulted in external wounds people could see. What has yours resulted in? What has your treaty cost you? Addiction is a beast. But my Savior is in the business of destroying beasts. Has He done it for you? I wonder if you surrendered, what would be the result? 

Now don’t get me wrong. My treaty is annihilated in Jesus. But just because I’ve surrendered the idol, doesn’t mean it always feels like the idol has surrendered me. Sometimes I think I’m still who I used to be. Sometimes I even toy with the idea of returning to that Egypt. These are the moments I need you [the Church] the most. I need truth spoken to me in boldness and I need to be reminded of the One to whom I belong. Friends, I cannot do this alone. You cannot do this alone. We’re not meant to. What is the Lord calling you to surrender? He goes before you. You’re not alone. The same God who spoke to Moses and Joshua, calls us to trust His faithfulness, still.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” -Deut. 31:8. He goes before us still. He promises to complete the good work He begins (Phil. 1:6). He is faithful to complete it.

Let’s go! You in?