I just sat there, crying while he listened with compassion as I vented my soul.

Life is exhausting. This brings me here. To his office, right smack in the middle of an emotional break-down. 

I simply say to him, “I am not well.” Ever the amazing pastor and counselor he is, he asks all the right questions. I proceed to verbally vomit. 

So you may not know that recently, my caregiving gig has amped up in demands. Over the past year and change I finished school, got a second job because of economic demands, and the person I care for has had overwhelming demands due to their illnesses. In short, their legs stopped working and they haven’t walked in nine months. It’s quite devastating to say the least. 

They now require full time, 24 hour care. My care. Mind you, I have two jobs, and an aging mother with memory loss to care for also. Life has gotten lifey and here I am. Once again, stupid strong. 

In a community group recently, I told a pastor friend that I was “stupid strong.” He laughed and said he too understood that concept, as it applied to him as well.

What is it in our hearts that wants to handle all the minutiae of life as if we are actually capable to do so? I had someone recently tell me in a rant, “I have to do this, and that, and go here and there and it’s so much but I know “God helps those who help themselves, so I must do this or that” When did this phrase (which is NOT scripture) make its way into our vocab? When did we start believing that God somehow needs our help? 

I stopped that person and said, “that’s not biblical.” They were shocked because they had heard that statement their whole life. I suppose it’s a shock to the system when we hear the concept that we actually are not meant to do it all, have it all, or be all in all. No where in scripture does God call us to be self-sufficient. Rather in his infinite wisdom he makes Himself the very source of true strength and power to equip us to face hard things. 

In our me-centered culture we are quick to affirm ideas that we are meant to be limitless. 

We. 

Are. 

Not. 

I’ve trained myself to be stupidly strong because of trauma. Let me break down that buzzword. I’ve trained myself to be sinful by being self-sufficient and creating for myself a broken cistern (Jer. 2:13) of my own making that allows me to cope with life while believing a LIE and not functioning in truth. I am self-sufficient because I’ve known me longer than anyone else. I’m a god of my own making out of fear and hurt because people let you down. Catch that word correctly there. A little g god, that is an idol. I am my own idol because I know me most and TRUSTING. OTHERS. IS. HARD. That’s the gist. People let you down. And if I am my own idol, I am my own standard and deceiving myself is easier to justify because I know what’s good for me. (This is a huge lie!!) So, being strong and resilient, I’ve made my own broken cistern to hold my baggage. It has not served me well. But you would never know because the world has celebrated this stupid coping mechanism. 

Let’s keep it real. I’m that poster child strong female lead in an indie film that is rough but loveable. I am hyper-independent and I handle all my own junk. I work hard, too hard, sinfully hard? I manage my home, I pay the bills for myself and my two dependents. I provide for a family, I get about 18 hours of work out of a day, I get occasional exercise, eat semi-well, (well enough to be 175 lbs lighter). Up until last February I did all this while being in full-time school, I lead a whole ministry, I get little to no hugs or human touch, and I pour myself out for others all day. You know what this is a recipe for? 

Death.

Who told me that protecting myself to this extent would somehow equal happiness? Whoever it was, (ROMCOMS!!!) they’re liars. Truth is, I blame the devil. Hollywood and feminism have lied to us hurt and hyper-independent women (and men) who have trained themselves to do it all. Movies have celebrated this trope and they have convinced us that this is the way. Much like Satan did in the garden when he tempted Adam and Eve to sip from their own fountain, or to trust in their own ruling over God’s. This is the lie we believe that tells us we can handle things on our own. 

Being stupid strong served its purpose in my life because it helped me overcome and survive hard things and it helped me achieve what I needed to. But as I have been learning in this exceptionally hard season of life, I can do a lot, but the truth is, “all things are permissible, but not at things are beneficial” (1 Cor. 6:12). I can, but I shouldn’t. I am a high capacity person. I can truly carry a lot but am I supposed to? 

I think my wicked heart has unknowingly waited for that knight in shining armor, or for the Christian girlies, that kinsman redeemer (or Boaz) to come sweeping in and rescue me. I’ve never been the girl in waiting. Let me say that loud and clear. I’ve been busy living life and doing ministry and being about my Father’s business. But I do think, somewhere in the recesses of my heart there has been hope that one day someone would come long, see my load and say, “can I help you with that?”

And friends, the truth is. Someone has. It wasn’t a knight, and it wasn’t a Boaz. It was a bride. 

I’m telling you this story four months later so I have some hindsight now that has served me well. But let me continue… I just sat there and just cried in front of my pastor. I lamented this season of my life. I poured out my heart and frustration. I told him I was exceptionally tired. Like, just straight up physically spent. I told him I wasn’t doing my jobs well and that I just wasn’t well. I hadn’t been on a walk in weeks (which I love to do). I told him my heart just was not well. Being the wonderful shepherd he is, he told me to get out of the office. He asked me if I went home for the rest of the day would it be restful, to which I said “no.” So he reached into his pocket and gave me his own money and told me to take myself out to lunch. He ordered me to not tell my family what I was doing and to simply take the time off, go have lunch, and go for a walk. So I did. 

In the middle of my stupid strength I found myself, broken. I praise God for my shepherds. I counseled my own heart, as I often do. But this time it wasn’t counsel for me to shut up and suck it up (as it sometimes is). This was counsel to speak up and get real. So I did. 

I texted my close circle and asked for prayer. I asked for help. The bride of King Jesus showed up. From everywhere within the body of believers around me, people began to pour into me. Meals for my family, errands for us, groceries, medicine pick ups, sitting with my mom, bringing me fellowship and laughter. The Redeemer showed up. 

He sent His kids. 

My stupid strength is combatted with  beautiful weakness. By sharing with my pastor it opened up the barriers I had amassed and it let freedom reign. 

My friends, ladies especially, listen up. You’re not called to do it all. It’s a lie. Trust me, I know some of you are rolling your eyes. Let me reassure you, there is NO ONE in my life that can fill my shoes right now. I have fought and pleaded and cried and lamented to the Lord to remove this season, this “cup” to use Jesus’ words. But he has shown me time and again in the past five months that the only way out of this season is to go through it! Not around it like I wish I could. Again, sometimes the way out is through. 

I’m sharing this because I really get it. I know what the sacrifice of motherhood does to you single mommas. I still work in women’s homeless services. I see brokenness daily. I live brokenness daily. But the lie that you can and should do it all, will kill you. Its already killing you. How many of us excuse our jaded hearts? We dismiss our cynicism with sarcasm and “I’m just saying” comments when we’re hating and gossiping with those select few women who give us permission to sin. Permission to gratify our flesh with complaining. You know exactly what I’m talking about. 

This idea of being capable and limitless is not specific to women. It’s the natural result of broken understanding about how we are to live life. Men, I see you. As the head of my household, I feel that weight of responsibility. It’s awful! It’s too much. And yet, I wonder how often the Lord bids us to draw near for refreshment and restoration and we ignore his call and continue to sip from the broken cistern of our own making because sometimes walking away from the lies we’ve tolerated is harder than watching them fall. I’m guilty of it. I’m the chief sinner here. 

So what do we do? Friends, we call it out. Recognize it. Confess it. Repent from it. And turn from it.

Embrace your limits. Share them with your trusted circle. Get real. Be real. Jesus is the only One who can handle all things. In his infinite love and mercy he has given us glimpses of Heaven here on earth. The church has been a refreshing foretaste of Heaven for me in the middle of a very hard time. I wonder if you opened your eyes to look around, what or who you would see. 

Lay. It. Down. 

It all starts with surrender.