I’ve begun to resent my alarm clock. That stupid chiming that wakes me up every 4 hours is driving me insane. Friends, this is not a complaint. I am trying with my whole heart to share this life with you and my intention is not to grumble and complain but to testify of the Lord’s might within the wretched heart I carry. Am I justifying my complaining? Maybe. Seems like it. Lord, help! 

Seriously tho, this alarm is ruining my life. My life is ruining my life. Let me explain. 

I, much like you I imagine, had an idea of what my life was “supposed” to be like. I’d grow up, finally lose weight, get married, have kids, maybe have a job, as either a singer, a lawyer, a paleontologist or a mortician and then I’d die. Yes, that was the expectation. 

But here I am. None of those things and this stupid alarm clock is ruining my life. Better said… this alarm clock is the conduit of King Jesus to wreck my life. On purpose. For His purpose. Ever consider that? Have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps the biggest roadblocks in your life are actually the best and most purposeful tools of God’s will in your life? 

This dumb little alarm rules my days. My person (care recipient) requires me to tend to their needs every four hours. So since November I have lived my life in four hour increments. 

I get up about 7am ish and get ready for job #1. I go into their room, take care of their needs and then head out to work. I take a break from work after four hours and I come home to go back into the room and take care of the needs, then I try to eat something, then I go back to work. I work some more and after another four hours I come home to take care of their needs and then I head back to work. Some days I then go to job #2 where I work for five hours then come home, take care of needs, and get them and myself to bed. I’m up at 12am (4 hours later) to take care of their needs, then I go back to bed, and four hours later (4am ish) I go back into the room to take care of needs and then I go back to bed, then again at 8am the cycle starts again. 

This alarm clock goes off all day long. Every four hours I am forced to die to myself. 

You may be reading this thinking how wonderful a human I am. To which I am practically laughing out loud at 2am as my thumbs type this out on my phone. Let me assure you dearest friend, I resent this alarm clock, most times. I resent the need to leave my jobs to come home and do job #3, which should rightly be considered job #1. 

My wicked heart yearns to be left alone. My will and my want is rest and this cozy bed that beckons me with promises of comfort is where I long to stay. 

But, 

God. 

In John 5:1-9, Jesus asked a man who was an invalid for thirty-eight years a simple question, “do you want to be healed?” Rather than answering the question quickly, he gives Jesus the context of why he is lying there. Notice, that’s not what Jesus asked. Jesus knew the context of why he was there. The man gives Jesus the reasons or (often as it applies to me), the excuses for the issue or sin, rather than an answer. This is me! “Lord, I know I’m sinning, I know I’m wrong, but you know my background, you know my trauma, you know who hurt me, you know the pain and neglect and diagnosis and coping mechanisms, and on and on and on. No lies here, friends. We’re keepin it real. I wonder if you do this too. I wonder if you dance around the confrontation and conviction (oh the grace and mercy!!) that God gives us, like me?

Usually it’s: 

Jesus: Do you want to grow in me? 

Me: Growth is hard. Life is already hard. You really want me to struggle like this? 

Jesus: Do you trust me?

Me: I’m so hurt, Lord. Trust is hard. People hurt us. 

Jesus: Do you believe? 

Me: What is belief? What are you asking? What are the details? When? How? What do you want? 

It’s a pathetic game of philosophizing the issue at hand instead of letting my yes be yes and my no be no. The real answers and what I’m really saying is more like…

Jesus: Do you want to grow in me? 

Me: As long as it’s easy and doesn’t cost me anything.

Jesus: Do you trust me? 

Me: In theory.

Jesus: Do you believe? 

Me: Not really… no… Sorry?

It is my heart’s desire to answer my Savior with YES I want to grow in you. YES my Lord, I trust you! YES my King, I believe! Help my unbelief. 

My heart longs for these answers to be the real answers not just the ones I think I’m supposed to say. I can indeed say it with my lips. But my heart is far from it, by secretly longing to drown my sorrows in the warmth of a pizza chased by the cool of some ice cream. And those things are not wicked in and of themselves, but my devotion and dedication to them is! My automatic thinking that drives me to rest in the creation instead of the Creator, is wicked! 

This jerk of an alarm clock is ruining my life and I’m wishing I could start the day with a fat ol cinnamon bun instead of with a protein packed yogurt, and my fancy justification is my favorite song, and yours, “it’s cause im just so tired!” If I had ten bucks for every time I say, “I’m tired!” When attempting to pin point an emotion I would be a rich Dr! 

Friends, the truth is, I prayed these prayers last year. I prayed that the Lord would grow me, that I would trust Him, and that I would believe in His call for my life. My Ruler, my Healer, my Savior, Adonai answered. He gave me an ALARM CLOCK to wreck my complacency and stagnancy. He called and here am I, answering the question the invalid did not. Do you want to be healed? King Jesus, my Master, my Healer, my All in All, Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes! Heal me O Lord Jesus! Please! 

So here I am, living life in four hour increments. Being called to empty myself all day long and it is killing me!!! It is ridding me of my flesh and pummeling me with the beautiful truth that only Jesus can bring to a heart that seeks comfort in pleasure over pain. Not the self harming pain of self elevation, deception and worship, but the pain that is coming from laying down my vision of how my life is “supposed” to be. My wants. My rights. My expectations. This alarm clock is killing my flesh. What a blessing. I prayed for this. And here am I. Wrestling my way through. Pressed down, but not destroyed. (2 Cor. 4:8-10). 

I’m sure you’ve heard the story of Corrie ten Boom and her sister Betsy giving thanks for the fleas they endured during their imprisonment in a concentration camp. It was the fleas that staved off the guards and kept the girls protected from further evil. (The Hiding Place, 1971). The nuisance of the pests were a necessary tool the Lord used for His glory and their good. 

Here I am learning to die well because of this alarm clock. I recently shared my dilemma of dying slowly to myself with a trusted sister in Christ, (whose name ironically is also Corrie, hi friend!) she lovingly listened and reminded me of my identity in Christ. She heard my heart and after meditating on my words and praying for me she messaged me the most encouraging reminder that as I die daily in that room, every four hours, at that alarm clock, that I am not alone. Walking into that room, there are four people there. The Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and me. Her powerful encouragement blessed me with truth and a great visual to hold onto. Similar to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s trial in Daniel 3, the Lord is using this tiny alarm clock to kill in me what desperately needs to die. If you remember the story, King Nebuchadnezzar saw four people in the furnace in place of three. The Lord was present with them. He used the trial of the furnace to refine His sons to His glory. Their faith was proved and known and His name was made famous. The Lord is present. The Savior who neither sleeps nor slumbers (Ps. 121:4) does not need an alarm clock to be with me. He is. Always. During rest. During trial.

So when he calls me to hard things like caregiving, or weight loss, or sobriety, or trusting Him, He is present. He does not call me to grow then abandons me to figure it out on my own. My Savior is ever present. 

So every four hour chime is a reminder that the Lord is growing me, changing me, healing me, and transforming me from one degree of glory to another. 

I wonder friends, what inconvenience (annoyance? Challenge?) is growing you today? What area of life is prompting you to fix your eyes on the King? What issue is growing your gratitude? 

Consider it. 

Ponder it. 

Confess. 

Repent. 

Turn. 

In the end, it is truly a simple question, do you want to be healed?